Below I will posting the ad as I come up with it. What you see below may not be completed, but it will still be open to criticism.
Proposed Ad Below.
Top Ten Finishing LeMons Race Car, $5,000, Buy Your Way to Glory (Sacramento, CA)
For the Jack Webb version go the bottom.
After a truly gratuitous number of (should be fatal) blows to the head, My teammates and I have decided to resume campaigning a Jaguar. That means Fraidy Cat Racing is selling their 1998 Audi A4, 1.8T with Quattro. You should buy it.
Who should buy this car? (Besides you of course)
New teams.
Experienced teams who want to play in "A" class.
Experienced teams who are tired of being wait-listed, but still want to be competitive.
Teams with talentless drivers.
Teams with talentless mechanics.
...so... you.
This car is fully race prepared for the 24 Hours of Lemons and has run Button Turrible 2014, Vodden the Hell Are We Doing 2014 Arse Freeze Apalooza 2014, and both Sears Point races this year (2015). At last month's Sears Pointless the A4 finished 10th. At Good Effort Grand Prix in January the A4 finished 12th.
We are selling this Top Ten Finishing car in anticipation resuming racing a Jaguar. That fact has not been universally well received.
*Youtube Video*
I could tell you how amazing this car handles, how it walks across the wet better than Jesus, and how safe you'll feel wrapped in a cage lovingly built by Evil Genius, but I know you have questions, so I will try to answer them below.
You: "Yo Dawg, that thang shyte in teh wets?"
Me: "This car is so fast in the rain that you could drive it in reverse on the track and it still wouldn't be fair."
You: "But sir, if I were to purchase this fine automobile from you what guarantees would I have that it would be accepted to races by the esteemed LeMons court?"
Me: "I can't speak for you and your team (maybe the judges really do hate you), but Fraidy Cat Racing was accepted to all of the races that we applied for with this car."
You: "But, like, aren't Audi's, like, as reliable as my besty, Shelly?"
Me: "This car ran the last two races just fine. The Audi complexity thing ain't all it's cracked up to be. Once, you've distilled the engine down it's pretty basic."
You: "I see what you're saying sonny, but where am I going to park this horse-less carriage?"
Me: "It is street-legal, registered, insured and was driven to two of the three Sears races."
You: "Da, but what happen when leave outside during winter?"
Me: "The passenger windows all bolt back into the car, but don't go down. The driver window frame could be modified to bolt in as well. With the window tint your neighbors won't even it's a race car."
If we as a team of talent-less drivers, ten-thumbed mechanics, and perpetually disorganized brush-poppers can finish in the top ten, imagine what you can do.
(Pictures Go Here)
Just the facts:
1998 Audi A4
1.8 liter Turbo Charged (Factory Turbo)
Quattro (That's all wheel drive for you Audi illiterate)
20X,XXX miles (Just getting broken in)
H&R coilovers and a beefy swaybar brand unknown. (Trust us this is the suspension to have)
Fully functioning ABS (Our Allah Braking System will take better care of you than a predator drone)
Raybestos ST-43 brake pads. (The brake pads recommended by Evil John, but the rears need replacing)
Wheel stud conversion for profanity-free wheel changes.
4x Bridgestone RE11A tires with a day maybe two left in them
3x Bridgestone RE71R tires with a few hours left in them. The ultimate tire in grip.
5 point race harness in a brightly contrasting color
Removable chrome self adjusting mirrors (From only the FINEST nameless Chinese manufacturer)
Brand new wheel bearings on all four corners (The old wheel bearings lasted 200,000 miles and five races before giving out. I expect these new ones to last just as long.)
The ECU has some mild performance flash. It's good for a couple more psi.
Evil Genius built roll cage. (It will pass tech forever)
Extra engine in good shape (Just flip the head gasket around)
We will deliver for free within a 100 mile radius of Sacramento CA. Further deliveries can be negotiated (probably just for the cost of gasoline and In-N-Out)
And most of all!
*Full Fraidy Cat Racing technical support at **all races.
*Ask Cheseroo about the support we provide.
**Limited to races we are at and times when we are not putting out literal fires on our Jaguar.
(No race seat [unless you really, really want it.])
Proposed Ad Below.
Top Ten Finishing LeMons Race Car, $5,000, Buy Your Way to Glory (Sacramento, CA)
For the Jack Webb version go the bottom.
After a truly gratuitous number of (should be fatal) blows to the head, My teammates and I have decided to resume campaigning a Jaguar. That means Fraidy Cat Racing is selling their 1998 Audi A4, 1.8T with Quattro. You should buy it.
Who should buy this car? (Besides you of course)
New teams.
Experienced teams who want to play in "A" class.
Experienced teams who are tired of being wait-listed, but still want to be competitive.
Teams with talentless drivers.
Teams with talentless mechanics.
...so... you.
This car is fully race prepared for the 24 Hours of Lemons and has run Button Turrible 2014, Vodden the Hell Are We Doing 2014 Arse Freeze Apalooza 2014, and both Sears Point races this year (2015). At last month's Sears Pointless the A4 finished 10th. At Good Effort Grand Prix in January the A4 finished 12th.
We are selling this Top Ten Finishing car in anticipation resuming racing a Jaguar. That fact has not been universally well received.
*Youtube Video*
I could tell you how amazing this car handles, how it walks across the wet better than Jesus, and how safe you'll feel wrapped in a cage lovingly built by Evil Genius, but I know you have questions, so I will try to answer them below.
You: "Yo Dawg, that thang shyte in teh wets?"
Me: "This car is so fast in the rain that you could drive it in reverse on the track and it still wouldn't be fair."
You: "But sir, if I were to purchase this fine automobile from you what guarantees would I have that it would be accepted to races by the esteemed LeMons court?"
Me: "I can't speak for you and your team (maybe the judges really do hate you), but Fraidy Cat Racing was accepted to all of the races that we applied for with this car."
You: "But, like, aren't Audi's, like, as reliable as my besty, Shelly?"
Me: "This car ran the last two races just fine. The Audi complexity thing ain't all it's cracked up to be. Once, you've distilled the engine down it's pretty basic."
You: "I see what you're saying sonny, but where am I going to park this horse-less carriage?"
Me: "It is street-legal, registered, insured and was driven to two of the three Sears races."
You: "Da, but what happen when leave outside during winter?"
Me: "The passenger windows all bolt back into the car, but don't go down. The driver window frame could be modified to bolt in as well. With the window tint your neighbors won't even it's a race car."
If we as a team of talent-less drivers, ten-thumbed mechanics, and perpetually disorganized brush-poppers can finish in the top ten, imagine what you can do.
(Pictures Go Here)
Just the facts:
1998 Audi A4
1.8 liter Turbo Charged (Factory Turbo)
Quattro (That's all wheel drive for you Audi illiterate)
20X,XXX miles (Just getting broken in)
H&R coilovers and a beefy swaybar brand unknown. (Trust us this is the suspension to have)
Fully functioning ABS (Our Allah Braking System will take better care of you than a predator drone)
Raybestos ST-43 brake pads. (The brake pads recommended by Evil John, but the rears need replacing)
Wheel stud conversion for profanity-free wheel changes.
4x Bridgestone RE11A tires with a day maybe two left in them
3x Bridgestone RE71R tires with a few hours left in them. The ultimate tire in grip.
5 point race harness in a brightly contrasting color
Removable chrome self adjusting mirrors (From only the FINEST nameless Chinese manufacturer)
Brand new wheel bearings on all four corners (The old wheel bearings lasted 200,000 miles and five races before giving out. I expect these new ones to last just as long.)
The ECU has some mild performance flash. It's good for a couple more psi.
Evil Genius built roll cage. (It will pass tech forever)
Extra engine in good shape (Just flip the head gasket around)
We will deliver for free within a 100 mile radius of Sacramento CA. Further deliveries can be negotiated (probably just for the cost of gasoline and In-N-Out)
And most of all!
*Full Fraidy Cat Racing technical support at **all races.
*Ask Cheseroo about the support we provide.
**Limited to races we are at and times when we are not putting out literal fires on our Jaguar.
(No race seat [unless you really, really want it.])
Last edited by Ed / Cassidy on Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:03 pm; edited 8 times in total